Monday, January 19, 2015

relating to ideas of vastness/bulk yet not with misc... specifically 2014s metaphyisicality


hindsighting my way through a whirlwind of antics, adventures and amigos i find myself trying to recount the year that just wrapped itself in the moist towellette of hazy recollection, over stoke and completion.  2014 was fundamentally the same as most other years of modern lamb [post-camera] that have been thoroughly enjoyed, a result of adherence to my ethos of attaining maximum contentedness, stoke and a seemingly unquenchable penchant for adventure.  I feel i repeat those terms a lot and thats great, i love those things, life is way too serious and heavy for any of us to handle with any real rationality and this mentality is what keeps me sane and stoked.  


i recall earlier in the year, during the deep depths of my broken finger, i began to develop a fairly destructivist mentality towards life, perhaps resulting from the fragility of my pinky finger and how it had the power to deny me my livelihood for 2 months…  during this time of sitting around doing absolutely nothing, I kept reminding myself of how much fun i’d be having if i was in Canada like i was supposed to be, or how much fun riding my motorbike is let along skateboarding and how much my pleasure centres demanded stoke.

my digits

now, combine that with a forced consideration of impending doom of this planet thanks to that movie about peak oil, perhaps of the same name, i found myself digging my delicate state into a hole of concern and began realising the other side of the coin of spontaneity, stoke and irresponsibility.. a dangerous place for someone who concerns themselves wholly with just those 3 things…   anyhow, i found myself experiencing a loss of self for the second time in my life and all i could think is how lucky i am to was been through that before because when i realised it’s ugly head had already raised itself i realised i had to sort my shit out..  bear in mind this is vaguely chronological, the order is right, but i did not make that important realisation until well after my finger had healed and i was adventuring again… scary..  but it makes sense, distraction is the most powerful tool of all- especially if you relate it to, or even consider it the same as, persuasion.   Self-persuasion is a serious affair.  


as i sit here, stoked, i know i’ve learnt a valuable lesson.  the fragility of the physical and mental state is an issue that is far too serious to sit on the fence for.  perhaps being a downhill skater, someone who forcibly ignores any ideas of self-preservation [albeit telling yourself daily that you’re a “safe” skater] led me to realise this situation, through my own injury and through my best buddies/worlds most naturally focused person/naturally talented downhill skaters life changing affair of getting hit by a car while delivering pizza on a scooter.. he wasn’t even skating and i’ve seen him do intriguing things like passing trucks on the inside of a corner- having to use what little spare bitumen fell outside of the lane to do so…  sounds reckless, but I’m convinced its purely an activity in self-pursuasion, nothing in your body will ever tell you that doing that is a good idea [except for your adrenal glad] yet there is something that makes you do it.  sure people are addicted to adrenalin but there’s definitely more to it, at least for most of us.… 


some people call it “getting the fear” either way all you need to know is that some people have “the fear” others don’t and, in my opinion, “the fear” is simply accepting a slipping sense of mental fortitude in regards to distraction/self-pursuasion from the potential for disaster at hand.. it does not apply strictly to downhill skaters, some people can’t even leave their house because of their acceptance of danger and risk, but donwhillers are at the far end of the spectrum, the most irrational and enjoyable end of said spectrum.  


I think my current employment is an attributing factor to these abnormal considerations of self-preservation for more reasons than i am most likely aware of but i think i got scared about failing to consistently increasing my level of stoke, a problematic byproduct of self-reflection and spontaneous living.. perhaps thats seems like another contradiction but all i’ve ever known or aimed for in life is to have more fun than before and right now i feel like i’m living a life that could not be any more fun but, write now, I’m realising that fun is more relevant to time/scenario/situation than it is to anything else..    perhaps this will give some explanation: i feel that when i’m 40 i won’t enjoy sleeping on peoples floors for months on end, travelling in a van with stinky skaters across foreign lands looking for roads to potentially kill ourselves on for 8 months a year or living on a budget that facilitates only camping on snow and a strict diet of banana and P+B sangas..  and yeh that might sound pretty shitty but right now there is absolutely nothing else that i want and perhaps its this feeling of comfort is alighting all of this emotional intrigue, i’ve never been comprehensively comfortable before, i’ve never had what i wanted.. perhaps this is why i feel this subtle loss of self- a highly intriguing thought… 


i definitely wouldn’t have thought dream attainment would result in an emotional backflip but now that i think of it it has probably happened to a lot of people before me.. just gotta make sure i see my 28th birthday ;)  haha actually i’ll be stoked it i see my 26th because on that day i lose my cheap flights D:  shiet, have i set myself up for unavoidable demise?  the answer is no, because some of the most fun i’ve ever had has been back home, heading out for the night to nowhere and taking pictures of the moon..  I’m realising how incredibly important simple pleasures are.